Where Has the Time Gone?

I knew it had been a while since I’ve blogged, but damn, I didn’t think it had been 6 months! I don’t even know where to begin with all of the drastic yet amazing changes that have been happening to me over the last half a year. I guess I should start from the beginning? Maybe? Let’s see.

At the end of March I decided to rejoin all of the dating apps: bumble, tinder, POF, OKCupid, & hinge. I had a few conversations going with a few men and nothing really seemed to hold my interest. On Bumble I had swiped right on someone who is younger than me and I found extremely attractive immediately. He happened to swipe right as well, but me being me, I had no idea how to start the conversation, let alone what someone his age would want with someone my age. So I let the first 24 hours pass by without sending a message. I told myself that if he extended another 24 hours I would message him. He did, surprisingly, so I messaged him. My first question to him was, “What does a 23 year old want with a 33 year old single mom?” And truthfully, his answer surprised me.

He had been in 3 long term relationships 1.5-3 years long, and they never seemed to go anywhere. He told me that girls his age just wanted sex or to be treated like shit so they could play the cat and mouse game, and that just wasn’t his thing. We talked for a few days via text message and then decided to meet on 4/1/2023. Honestly, I thought it was just a joke between him and his friends and I was going to get stood up. Meanwhile, he thought he was going to get stood up as well. We met at a local park and just smoked (while I still could) and talked.

He arrived before me and when I arrived, itr was downpouring. We tried to figure out which car we were going to sit in and he ended up coming into my Mazda. Now, when I tell you that it felt like electricity between us, it really did. Every freaking nerve ending in my body was tingling and I couldn’t understand what the hell was happening to me . . . but, lo and behold, he felt it all too, so it wasn’t just me. We talked, hung out, walked around when it wasn’t raining, and then the temp dropped and I was too cold to stay outside any longer. We decided to go back to my place and ended up just sitting on my couch talking about our lives, what we both want from a relationship, why previous relationships (and marriages have failed), and it was easy. There was no forcing the conversation to flow, no awkward pauses, no nothing.

Well, he ended up staying over that night and NO, we did not screw; however, we did kiss, and that was only after he asked if he could kiss me or if that would upset me. So right there, HUGE green flag! CONSENT! Yay! Over the course of the next few days we spent a ton of time together when I didn’t have my son, he stayed over, we began the intimate part of our relationship, and we’ve been inseparable ever since. Now, the curveball…

I’M PREGNANT. !!!

Yep, almost 25 weeks! We were super cautious right off the bat and I’ve tracked every period, every ovulation since I had my son in 2019. My apps have never been wrong . . . until now. Lol. The first time we didn’t use protection or contraceptive of anytime, and boom, I’m pregnant. We found out super early, at 3 weeks and 4 days, and he is so excited to become a father. Since then he has formed a bond with my son like no other, my son refers to him as his second dad, his family and I have a great relationship, and this is hands down the healthiest, most compassionate, most caring relationship I’ve ever been in.

His mom and I are currently planning my baby shower. The divorce process has been started with my son’s father, FINALLY. I unfortunately had to hire a lawyer and that is killing my bank account right now, after he told me we’d skip the lawyer fees. I haven’t really talked to or seen much of my family because they have their own things going on and weren’t too thrilled that I am expecting, but overall, life has been good, really good. Don’t get me wrong, Blake and I have our moments, our issues, our fights, just like any other couple, but the difference with him is, when we are mad at one another, we talk about it then and there and don’t let it fester. If it isn’t something we can just “get over” we give ourselves 20 minutes to be mad and then we move on and continue on with our day instead of letting it ruin an entire 24 hours. We don’t go to bed angry, we don’t curse at each other, and we don’t insult the other if they’ve upset us.

I’m happy. Like finally, truly happy, happier than I’ve been in a long, long time and I can’t imagine building a future with someone not like Blake at this point. He’s young but he works harder than anyone I know. He helps me with things he doesn’t need to, like paying for some of my son’s birthday party (the decorations and pizzas), or helping me pay for my lawyer (he pays half). He’s just an overall amazing man and I am very, very lucky to have met him.

We also added 2 new kittens to our family: Binx & Busa. Both black and white like my 2 year old girl, but domestic short haired, and they are rambunctious as all hell. However, they bring us so much joy. The life I’ve always wanted is at my fingertips and I can finally see it. A man who adores me and treats me like a queen, a son who is my everything and still a complete mama’s boy, a “family” that although not biologically mine still treats me and my son as if we were, a daughter due in January, 6 days before her daddy’s birthday, and hope. Hope for a better future, a better second marriage, a better partnership. I finally have everything I’ve always prayed for and I couldn’t be more thankful.

I don’t think I’m meant for anyone . . .

I think my ex was the last relationship I am ever going to be in. Now, I 100% believe I am going to die alone. Maybe it’s me. I’m the problem, I’m the thing that is so unlovable. Honestly, at this point, I wouldn’t be surprised. I wanted to be back with my ex and I reached out and once again he did what he always does and told me everything I wanted to hear. It went from “Alyssa I tell everyone you’re still the best thing to ever happen to me”, “I’m coming to see you”, “I’m here and I promise I’m never going to hurt you again”, to four days later he started ignoring me and blowing me off and acting like a complete monster, again.

Granted, yes, I know, he is a monster, but it doesn’t make it hurt any less. Now, he’s talking to/seeing some chick who looks like she’s in her 40’s and I think she’s only 1-2 years older than I am. If you want to creep, have at it. Zack Byers is my ex, and Jessica Palmer is the girl he’s talking to. I did warn her. Not because I want him back, I don’t, not at this point, but because she deserves to know that not even 2 weeks ago we were planning on meeting in Memphis to celebrate what would’ve been Kolton’s due date. The math just ain’t mathin’ for me, especially because I have receipts to back up everything I claim. He told me he had his life put into perspective and he isn’t ready, nor does he want a relationship right now, but this is also the same man who told me that he cannot be “friends” with females without fucking them, soooooo. Yeah. That’s part of my recent update.

Last weekend I had strep and literally did not leave my apartment until Sunday. I lost 15lbs due to being completely unable to eat, it was awful. I had started talking to someone in January, super sporadically. We’d message for a day or whatever, then life would happen and a few weeks would go by with 0 communication, and then we’d start up again. So we finally exchanged numbers, after 2 months of this, and he just did not put any effort into communicating. I told him I thought he was as great guy and wished him nothing but the best. He needed a female who was okay with little to no communication and that will never ever be me. The guy before that I met when getting rid of my old Subaru headlights, and we hit it off, and we’d probably still be a thing had he not let it slip that he was still hung up on his ex wife.

I don’t think I am meant for anyone. I don’t think I am ever going to receive the unconditional love I so often give. I don’t think anyone is ever going to love me loudly, and love all of the parts of myself that I cannot stand. I don’t think my son is ever going to see his mama be loved how she deserves, and that fucking breaks my heart. It makes me not want to be here anymore. Everyone I’ve ever loved has moved on, and been everything I begged for, for the next girl. Am I really that defective? Probably. It’s just become so disheartening that I don’t even want to try anymore. It isn’t worth the heartache.

I wish I had never gotten on that one way flight. I know I cannot go back and undo it, but if I could, I would. I begged him, BEGGED him to please not come out here if it wasn’t what he really wanted, and now he wants to spin this narrative that I made him choose between his kid and I, and I never ever would do that. So I quit. I just want to be gone for good and never have to experience that kind of pain ever again. I didn’t need another lesson. I don’t. I just want love. Why is that too much to ask for these days?

Word Salad

I don’t even know where to begin because I don’t know the last time I blogged anything. My life has been anything but rainbows and sunshine. There’s barely been any day where I just feel okay as of late and I hate it. Truly, it is beginning to take its toll on me. I had started talking to/seeing someone at the end of November, we spent Christmas together, exchanged gifts, and then on NYE he ghosted me, which honestly, I was okay with because physically, it just wasn’t there for me. I would’ve remained friends with him, but I don’t think that was enough for him. Then Zack tried coming back. Yep, you read that right. He told me if he got a job here he’d move back and literally 4 days later that wasn’t the case. He’s apparently getting help now, which is great for him. but he’s still a selfish dick who wants to be “friends” with me even though I’ve explicitly expressed that I DO NOT want to see him be everything for someone else that I begged him for.

Last Friday I got hurt at class. I fell from about 6ft up, while upside down, with my hands over my head. I had nothing to brace myself with and I’m extremely lucky I didn’t snap my neck or break my back. I went to the ER on Sunday and all of my xrays and CT scans check out fine, as far as the fall goes. However, they did find a 3mm nodule on my right lung that wasn’t there when I was in on Black Friday. So that’s a concern. I have yet to make a follow-up appt, but I should probably do that because my right side currently hurts when I take a deep breath in, but knowing me,. it’s probably just stress.

Oh, B’s dad and his gf are having a girl. So hopefully they’ll be done procreating. B has a little girlfriend, it’s adorable. And I started talking to someone from work, we don’t work together or the same shift, so save it. He’s a lot younger though and as much as I did like him, the maturity just isn’t there and he doesn’t want to face the fact that he needs to get professional help for the things going on in his life, but instead he’d rather just make remarks like he doesn’t want to be here anymore, he doesn’t care if he crashes his car, so on and so forth. But I can’t save him, nor do I want to. I know my limits and this ain’t it. I cannot put someone first who can’t even put themselves first, someone who doesn’t want to see the good in themselves or all they have to still live for despite what is going on in their life.

Zack would call me a hypocrite for saying that because I have wanted to give up and end it all so badly the past week. It’s gotten to the point where I sat in my car for a good solid hour and did nothing but imagine what my body would look like hanging by its neck from the welcome sign above my apartment building. Now I know well enough I’d never do it, but the intrusive thought is still there and it still hurts to think or imagine, but I know I can’t do anything to stop them, that’s why they are called intrusive.

I’m 5 weeks away from what should’ve been my due date and it gets harder every fucking day to imagine that day just coming and going like just any other day. No one cares except me, no one remembers, no one is going to try to make it hurt less, and it isn’t anyone else’s job to do that, it would just be nice to have someone who cared that I am not going to be okay that day.

But yeah. Let’s see how many nasty comments I get on this post. And let me make myself clear, I don’t give a fuck who stalks this blog that hates me, the feeling is probably mutual. My issue lies in the fact that you don’t know me personally enough to speak as openly as you do about how you feel towards me.

Howdy!

I haven’t known what to write, what to talk about, share, explain. I haven’t wanted to be criticized by people who will never know me and will never go through an eighth of what I have. I’ve struggled with the loss of Kolton more than I ever imagined I would have. It isn’t a pain I would wish on anyone. I was finally able to let go of any notion of fixing things with Zack. We are just two people with a past who became strangers again. Who he is now is not someone I would ever want to know.

We tried talking, but it just lead to us fighting. He’s still incapable of telling the truth. He tried getting back with me while actively fucking other people and lying about it and that just isn’t something I was ever going to forgive or get over. So, we went our separate ways and I’m just out here doin’ my own dang thing. I started doing diamond paintings, they definitely help my anxiety. I also signed B and I up at the Y since it’s free and he is going to start some classes come spring time! I’m so excited for him.

I have been slowly talking to someone, and by slowly, I mean at a snails pace, but I like it. He’s very, very sweet. Older, never married, no kids. He does have a fur baby though, a little 6lb Yorkie. She and my cat are HYSTERICAL together. He’s been o understanding and supportive of what’s been going on and I like that we’re building a friendship.

OF is still a thing, and I still enjoy it. Yellowstone has taken over my viewing life, seriously, I’M ADDICTED. Andddddd, I still smoke like a chimney because being stxned helps me function and not feel like I’m trying to gasp for lungfuls of air while being held underwater.

Other than that, things have been quiet and I enjoy it that way. I go to class, I mom, I work. Thanksgiving was stressful because B was sick with a double ear infection that he’s still working to fight off. I was in the ER with a viral infection in my chest that had me feeling like someone had a C clamp around my chest and was tightening it. Then B had a fever and couldn’t go to daycare, so to say it’s been a bit overwhelming is an understatement.

However, I’m okay. I’m happier more than sad most days, but I still have those days where I daydream about going to sleep and never waking up, where the darkest parts of me show the most. I’m learning, readjusting, adapting, and just trying to live a life I don’t go to bed every night dreading waking up to the next morning and as of late I’ve been succeeding with that.

So, there yah have it. There’s my 8 week update. Oh, and B is getting another little brother or sister. They find out tonight.

Today I am angry. pt. 2

I woke up this morning just mad at the world and I can pinpoint exactly why. I missed the fuck out of Zack, I really, really did. It wasn’t solely because I’m lonely, because I’m not. I still see my friends, I still have my son. No. Today I woke up angry because his ex, regardless whether or not she’ll ever admit it, was mad that he was who he was with me when it’s who he promised he’d be to her.

His ex is as manipulative as he is. I am well aware of this. However, she knew all of this information for almost two fucking weeks, so why tell him now? If she never wanted him to be back in Arkansas permanently, why tell him? I know the answer. I’ve known the answer. It’s why things were the way they were when he was here. She needs control because for so long he had it. She knew that if she could get him to hate me, she could ensure he’d never come back. So I am angry.

I am angry at the selfishness of that. I am angry that now there’s this huge what could have been and I hate that. Don’t get me wrong, I know there was next to nothing to rebuild our relationship, yet again, on. I know he wouldn’t have just stopped talking to all the randos he’s currently entertaining and trying to line up to fuck. All of this I know, but it doesn’t make the hurt from everything any less, in fact, it just makes everything worse. I hate knowing. I hate that he told me he hadn’t slept with anyone yet and made it seem like that was because of his “feelings” for me, but really it was because he hadn’t made any plans with anyone yet. I hate all of this.

I am going to have to remember him for longer than I knew him, and I hate that. I hate that I’ll never get to hear his obnoxious laugh or chewing again, or hear his voice or see his smile. I hate that. It’s what’s best for me, I know, but it still hurts. I wasn’t trying to change him. I accepted him for everything he was and supported him on his journey of self discovery, it just wasn’t enough, and I don’t know if I will ever be, for anybody.

So today I’m angry, again. I’m angry at her, at him, at myself for missing him when I know he doesn’t give a single fuck about me or has thought about me or how I’m doing. But, I haven’t reached out, and for that I’m proud, but I’m still angry. I’m tired and sad and I have nothing to look back on because I got rid of all of the photos [I needed to] and I know it wouldn’t do me any good.

Let them.

Let them go.

Let them talk about you.

Let them make you out to be the villain.

Let them mess up.

Let them lose you.

Let them walk out of your life.

Let them go.

Just let them.

Let them miss you.
Let them regret it.
Let them try to replace you.
Let them think they’ve found how you made them feel in someone else.

Let. Them. Go.

You are not responsible or accountable for other people’s actions or their feelings towards you.

I spent most of yesterday in tears because of how bad I hurt, that was until I got my son. I picked him up and I explained to him that Zack left and he was back in Arkansas. He was sad but he immediately went back to talking about directions, cars, and trucks. We went to our best friends’ house for dinner, as always, and I brought laundry, as always, and when I was struggling with the 2 baskets, B asked, “Mommy do you want Zack to help?” and I stopped. I told him, “Yeah bud, I want Zack to help, but what I want and what I can suffer through are two very different things, and that’s okay. I can do it, come on babe.” And off we went and he hasn’t brought him up since.

I cleared out whatever clothing he left behind, got rid of the toys I got for his daughter. I’m giving my niece all the clothes I got for her, and I’m getting rid of the bed and mattress and making the room just B’s again. His toiletries he left behind, his prescriptions, all of it is gone. It wasn’t easy, and I miss him, but I know I won’t ever trust him or his words again, and I can’t suffer through that again.

So here’s to letting go. To moving on. To new beginnings. To first hellos, kisses, times, and all of the in between. I’d give it all up to go back, but I can’t, so it’s time to embrace the unknown.

-A

It’s Over . . . finally

He left and went back to Arkansas and I no longer have to deal with the absolute uncertainty of whether or not he actually wanted to be here. I don’t have to go to bed every night next to someone who is miserable, and I don’t have to wake up every morning and wonder whether or not he’ll be there when I get home.

I’m not going to sit here and say I’m okay, because I’m not. But I’m also not as sad as I was the first time he left. I fell out of love with him the minute he told me he was relieved I had a miscarriage. I hadn’t looked at him the same since and I was just hoping that maybe, eventually, it would go back to how it was, but it never could. I blame him, 100% for my miscarriage. I was okay with him gone. I was sad, but I had Brantley and my friends and I was doing okay adjusting the being back on my own again. But then he begged to come back and not only that, he said he would just fly to see his daughter “if/when” he could as long as that meant he could be with me. So like the idiot that I am, I let him back.

He had a job for all of 20 days before he got fired for failing a piss test after causing a safety issue. So that immediately took me back to when I was with my ex husband and he couldn’t hold a job, and from there, shit just spiraled. According to him, he got what he needed from me and that was to get over his ex wife. So now that he’s done that, he wants to go back to be with his daughter, and he wants to travel with no time constraints (cause yah know, traveling and shit is free…), and he wants all of these things but the things he doesn’t want: a relationship, to be in PA, marriage, or kids. He wants to “figure out who he is” because according to him he never should’ve become a marine, never should’ve gotten married, etc. So good luck with that one bro.

I sacrificed too much to make sure he was okay and happy and taken care of and I will never do that shit again for anyone. This wasn’t a “trial” run for me. He knew what he was signing up for when he made the decision to move here and then he couldn’t hack it. Not only could he not hack it, he ran and made the decision for a SECOND time to come back. He lied to his daughter, he lied to me, he lied to my friends and family, and he lied to himself. Truth be told, he is the most selfish person I’ve ever met in my entire life. He’s worse than my ex husband ever was and I never want to go back to that cycle ever again. I deserve so much more, and he deserves nothing.

He’s selfish in that he doesn’t want another guy raising his kid but little does he know he doesn’t get a say in what his ex wife does. She’s engaged to be married and that dude is going to be his daughter’s step-dad regardless of how he feels about it. He is going to be in her life and support her and show up to her things and there isn’t a damn thing he can do about it. I say that because I felt that. I hated that my ex had moved on so quick and had someone around our son, who was literally still an infant. I hated that my son was going to know someone else as “mom” but yah know what, I’m okay with it now because the more people who love him, the better. The more people he has to look up to, or go to for advice, or whatever else have you, that’s what’s best for B. Not just me. But Zack put his entire well-being and happiness onto his daughter and no 4 year old should ever have to burden that. It isn’t her responsibility to make him happy, but oh well. He thinks if he’s there she won’t grow up to hate him and that isn’t the case. He’ll figure it out in time though. I just don’t have to be around to watch it.

Hurting me didn’t hurt him and I never want to be with someone like that. If seeing me cry doesn’t make your heart hurt, if saying horrible things to me doesn’t make you feel like you’re drinking gasoline, I want no part of that. I’m so sick of the half assed, fake love that everyone seems to be so okay with dishing out these days. I’m done, with all of it.

-A.

Announcement!!!

So, we had our first doctor’s appointment yesterday. They confirmed the pregnancy and today my 2 best friends find out the gender!!! I did the sneakpeek blood test and I am so excited to find out what this baby is.

Look at how cute our announcement was!!!

I want a girl. My son wants a girl. Zack wants a boy. Carlee said she wanted a girl and last night she wanted a boy, lol. I don’t think she knows what she wants yet. All I know is that this pregnancy is already so much different than my first. The only thing that’s even remotely the same is the exhaustion. I’ll be fine right up until around 1pm and then I crash and just want to sleep. It’s been rough.

I also have food aversions this time around, I hate it. Things I used to love I can no longer tolerate, and now I want pickles, a lot. Also, the smell of dog food makes me gag. It’s horrible! But beyond that, I feel fantastic. You can definitely already tell I’m pregnant, it’s cute.

It’s hard to believe I’m over halfway through the first trimester already, but I’m so excited. I cannot wait to watch Zack in all of the newborn glory and build our amazing little family. The love and support we’ve already received is so appreciated by both of us and we are thrilled to be bringing another little bundle of joy into this world next year.

Oh, and for those who continue to stalk my life, leave comments when you CLEARLY haven’t read the post, and report back to whomever: please keep providing my friends and I with the endless entertainment. It’s pathetic at this point. I haven’t looked at Erin or Aaron’s FB’s, IG’s or anything because i don’t give a flying fuck. 🙂 I’m glad to know they still do though. And to Megan and whomever she keeps sending to do the same shit. Girl, I’m sorry your man spent THOUSANDS of dollars on my content. I’m sorry he offered be $2k to come fuck him at his shop because your rank ass pussy just isn’t enough for him. But, you can get a life now. It’s been over a year and you’re STILL at it. Same as with the other two. I don’t stalk your socials because I just don’t give a fuck. Can you say the same? Nope. It’s truly pathetic that all y’all still keep tabs on my life and what I’m doing. Clearly you need some hobbies or real friends or something.

But, keep watching. 🙂 Other than those people, I am so happy to have you all along on this journey with us. When we find out the gender I’ll be sure to let you know. We do plan on keeping the names a secret though. So, here’s to the next few months and the craziness that’s about to ensue. Buckle up. It’s going to get bumpy. (Pun intended).

I hate the distance

I hate the distance. It is in no way, shape, or form easy. However, I know he is worth it. We go to bed on video chat so we can wake up to one another. We video chat while doing our own things at our respective houses. We’ve planned for him to come out again in May (5/3-5/9), and he may be coming out next month as well. We’ve talked about him moving out here and what that would look like for us. We’ve talked about everything. And while this all sounds fun and great, it’s also been super trying.

We don’t fight over jealousy. We don’t fight because of a lack of trust or communication or honesty. We fight because we get in our own heads and instead of wanting to burden the other we keep it bottled up and try to push the other away because we’d rather hurt ourselves than have the other person hurt us, and that is a very hard thing to overcome. But here we are, we’re trying.

I’ve seen this man in the last 6 weeks go from crying almost every day to laughing and smiling and enjoying life more than I think he ever thought he’d do again. We are constantly laughing and joking and just being complete goofs with one another and I wouldn’t trade that for the world. Yeah, the distance is definitely hard, but it is so worth it when we catch each other looking like they can’t believe we’re real. We both say we’re waiting for the other shoe to drop but I don’t think it is going to. The more we talk and learn about one another and the more time we physically spend together, the better it is going to continue to get.

This man, this man who literally had 3 strikes against him just because of my own issues, has put the biggest smile on my face. He makes me laugh uncontrollably about the most ridiculous things and I absolutely adore him for it. I don’t know where we’re going or when we’ll get there, but I am loving the journey so far. He’s a good guy and I feel lucky to be able to call him mine.

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So, we’ve been back a week, living together, shopping together, cleaning, cooking, doing all of it together. I’ll admit, neither of us are used to it and we’re still trying to get his things unpacked and rooms situated with adding a whole other person to the mix so it’s awkward at times, but I am so beyond thrilled to have him here. I never in my wildest dreams could have ever imagined us working as well as we are together and communicating the ways we are. This man takes time to ask me things, to listen to and try to understand my responses and the reasons for them. He helps me out with my son and stupid little things like cleaning the cat litter to a cat he opted to “adopt” when he took me and mine on as “family”. He is thoughtful and assuring and an absolutely all-around amazing human being.

He misses his kid, and I do too. I know I can’t and don’t miss her like he can and does, but she’s my little buddy. I’m the only one who she lets do her hair, she snuggles with me when daddy isn’t around, and she’s such a smartass little ball of sass that I just miss, so I can’t even imagine how much Zack misses her. But, he calls her every single day, he’s been video chatting with her, we’ve been telling her all about the things we are planning on doing with her when we get her at the end of this month and for all of July. We’re planning on sending her a care-package from Pennsylvania to let her know we’re always thinking about her and missing her and loving her. It breaks my heart to see him cry when missing her gets to be just a little too much and I constantly wonder if we’re doing the right thing, but I am so proud of him and how he’s handled everything and he’s reassured her more times than I can count that he still loves her and he’ll be seeing her soon. Watching him as a father is something I could do every single day for the rest of my life . . . so that’s what I plan on doing.

For now, we’re just taking things one day at a time. We’re learning all the small intimate little details we’ve missed out on having been 1200+ miles apart. It’s fun and terrifying and yet comforting all at the same time. We’re each other’s “person” and I’m loving the journey he and I have embarked on together. It’s been almost 4 months and it feels like I’ve known him my whole life. I’m happy, happier than I’ve been in a really long time and Zack is a huge part of that and I am so thankful that he chose me as someone to do life with. As this progresses and changes and unfolds I’ll be sure to bring you all along for the ride. It’s bound to get a bit crazy sometimes, but that’s what makes it all worth it.