I never saw you coming. What started out as witty banter and friendly back and forth quickly turned into so much more than I could have ever imagined. A few sporadic messages asking me for “favors” turned into daily good morning messages on Teams, which turned into you listening to the entire heartbreaking story of the last guy I convinced myself I loved, which turned into deeper conversations, exchanging numbers, and more. The playfulness never went away, the quick, witty banter that has come to easily has never once felt forced or fake or like either one of us is trying to keep the conversation going.
I find myself making sure I get up to, at the very least, send you a good morning text before I know your alarm goes off, and looking forward to those photos of you in your car that shows me you’re on your way to work or somewhere else because we’ve come to learn in a matter of days that, like I said before, we’re not ignoring the other, we’re just letting them know we will talk to them as soon as we get to where we need to go. I look forward to telling you to “Be Safe <3” and having the same said in return when you know I’m behind the wheel. You’ve completely thrown my world for a loop just by simply turning that corner, and as scary as this is, it feels so right.
This road is not going to be paved smooth, for either of us, and I want you to know that at the end of it, regardless of what happens, I appreciate you and I want to thank you for showing me that there was always more out there for me. There’s someone out there who can take all of my flaws, fucked up bits, insecurities, and every other little eccentricity that I have and accept it all while simultaneously telling me I’m not a complete failure or fuck up and make me actually believe it. Finally, I can feel at peace knowing that all the hell I went through wasn’t for nothing because this, this connection, these butterflies, the wants and desires and actually knowing you, having been around you in person, it’s more than anything in the last 3.5 absolutely horrific years has been and I am so beyond thankful to finally realize this.
There’s not much I thank “God” for, but I am thankful for you, every single day and how you are with me because you know what I’ve been through. I know it hit you like a ton of bricks too and I am so so sorry for that. Like me, I know you don’t see yourself clearly, so if there’s anything you take from any of this, can you please let it be this?
You are this absolutely amazing human being who is so attractive, in so many ways, from your intelligence, your sense of humor, your genuinely positive disposition on life. Yes, you’re also a nerd, but I swear to you that that is part of the charm. You make me laugh full belly laughs and smile so much my cheeks hurt. I see your name pop onto my live feed and the BIGGEST smile cracks across my face and it stays there, a fixture I’ve tried so hard to forget existed because last time it was like this it was all lies and deceit and hurt. You’re real and faulted and flawed and absolutely deserving of everything you want out of this life. Please don’t ever feel like because of who you were (before we met) that you have to stay stuck in what once made you happy because there may not be anything else or better. There is, I promise. You may not find it today, tomorrow, next month, or hell even next year, but I promise you, you will find it; that thing that sets your soul on fire, makes you feel like you’re home, and you can’t seem to get enough of. It’s out there, for all of us, and it took meeting you for me to realize that. You’ve ignited something inside of me that I never ever ever wanted ignited ever the fuck again after the last shit show I dealt with and even if this burns out, ends, whatever, you’ve got me wanting more than I’ve ever had and I will now never settle for anything less than how you have me feeling right now in this very moment.
So thank you, for not judging me, for listening to me, for knowing exactly when I’m going to cry and not making me feel bad about it. Thank you for allowing me to be absolutely crazy about you in such a short amount of time and not only not running but feeling (I think) the same. You were right in saying there are things that can never be undone now, and forgetting you is one of them. You’ve left an imprint on my heart that is never going to go away and I will never be the same because of it. You came in and made me feel for the first time ever that I’m home and I absofuckinglutely adore you for it. Never ever, no matter what happens, forget that.
Always,
Alyy
Brut[alyy] Honest 